What is Attachment?
How does attachment affect adults?
“the quality of the bonding we experienced during this first relationship often determines how well we relate to other people and respond to intimacy throughout life”…helpguide
Attachment Styles are relationship patterns that we learned and formed from childhood that often carry into adult relationships. Attachment Styles ARE NOT character traits or flaws in the person but often patterns that helped us survive and cope, especially when/if we had inconsistent, unreliable and/or abusive caregivers. Attachment styles can be fluid and move toward secure attachment as we explore the self and experience the pivotal sense of connection that was needed in childhood.
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Secure Attachment
Having responsive and attuned caregivers in our most formative years, from 0 - 6, helps us in developing a secure attachment which is proven to shape and mold how we do relationships, how we view ourselves and thus how we view others.
Some highlights of having secure attachment: - Can ask for help when needed -Can trust others - Confident and decisive - Can look at stressful situations as manageable/tolerable - Take more risks in life because of confidence that “someone has your back” and you are not alone. -Enjoy connection with others and also time alone - Have a strong sense of personal values - Can utiltize flexibily, understanding and compromise more readily to resolve conflicts instead of avoid/shut down and ignore or become overly anxious and cling - Attune to own needs and ask for what we need emotionally from others
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Avoidant Attachment
Having inconsistent and/or non-responsive caregivers in our most formative years, from 0 - 6, can attribute to developing insecure attachment styles. Avoidant attachment style IS NOT ‘who we are’ like a character trait but more like the patterns we demonstrate in relationships. Avoidant attachnent style is of one of the 3 insecure attachment styles.
Some characteristics of how avoidant styles manifest in adult relationships: - Avoid conflict at all cost by shutting down and/or removing self physically from situation - struggles to identify emotional needs and struggles to attune to emotional needs of others - often leans toward being dismissive toward partners/others and own needs - difficulty in trusting others “I can only trust me”
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Anxious Attachment
Having inconsistent and/or non-responsive caregivers in our most formative years, from 0 - 6, can attribute to developing insecure attachment styles. Anxious attachment style can be formed when children constantly wonder and worry if his/her needs would be met. Anxious attachnent style is of one of the 3 insecure attachment styles.
Some characteristics of how anxious styles manifest in adult relationships: - When in a relationship there is constant pre-occupation and worry about what the partner thinks/feels toward relationship and self - Can demonstrate clingilness behaviors actvated by a deep fear of being abandoned - Need constant reassurance from partner and those around them (People pleasing) - Invalidate and minimize personal needs and wants
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Disorganized Attachment Style
Having inconsistent and/or non-responsive caregivers in our most formative years, from 0 - 6, can attribute to developing insecure attachment styles. Disorganized attachment style is often formed when a child experiences that their caregiver who they are completely depended on for survial, comfort and protection become also the source of danger. This creates a paradoxical experience in children of wanting/needing that connection with these caregivers for survival but also experiencing terror and anguish of their interactions with caregivers. Disorganized attachnent style is of one of the 3 insecure attachment styles.
Some characteristics of how anxious styles manifest in adult relationships: - Sends mixed messages often to others (Don’t come near me - Don’t leave me) - Distrust toward self and other - Hypervigilance in relationships displaying both avoidant, cut off/shut down behaviors and anxious, clinginess behaviors